It has come so quickly

I am so sad, so much so that I actually cried myself to sleep the other night. I tear up each time I think about it, I am so scared. In a few days I am going to have to leave the love of my life to go back to work. This transition has gotten even worse because the lady that we had set to care for Lucas called on Saturday and told us that she is not going to be able to watch him. I was so crushed. I was really excited for her to watch him. She speaks Spanish and could help encourage Lucas to learn, she lives close enough to my school that I could visit at lunch time (I really was excited about being able to go and feed him and continue the bonding that we have established in these first three months), also he would get to spend a lot of time with his cousin Leo. At this point I just do not know what we are going to do. I want him close to me, but I want him to be in a place that I know he is going to be loved and cared for. This has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

The past couple of days I have been helping Abe to set up his classroom and it has hit me even harder because I know that we are going back. The first day that we went we did not accomplish anything because the baby needed us. The second day we decided to leave him with my aunt, we got a lot done but I missed him so much!!! I just wanted to go pick him up so bad. When we got there I woke him up because I wanted to hold him and feed him. Today we took him with us and he slept the majority of the time. In these days I did realize the difference that it is for me compared to Abe. I think this transition back to work is going to be much easier for him because he has had other things going on these past few months with school, my time has been devoted to the baby and now I just have to leave him. I just don't know what I am going to do, I have never felt so lost before... ~Valarie