missing him

His big brown eyes looking up at me, his little smile stretching from ear to ear, and his silly little laugh is what I am going to miss. I find myself missing my little guy before I'm even gone. The anticipation of having to look at him and say good bye tomorrow morning is absolutely killing me. I can' stop thinking about it and I cry each time because I know how much my heart will ache throughout the day when I am not with him.

It has come so quickly

I am so sad, so much so that I actually cried myself to sleep the other night. I tear up each time I think about it, I am so scared. In a few days I am going to have to leave the love of my life to go back to work. This transition has gotten even worse because the lady that we had set to care for Lucas called on Saturday and told us that she is not going to be able to watch him. I was so crushed. I was really excited for her to watch him. She speaks Spanish and could help encourage Lucas to learn, she lives close enough to my school that I could visit at lunch time (I really was excited about being able to go and feed him and continue the bonding that we have established in these first three months), also he would get to spend a lot of time with his cousin Leo. At this point I just do not know what we are going to do. I want him close to me, but I want him to be in a place that I know he is going to be loved and cared for. This has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

The past couple of days I have been helping Abe to set up his classroom and it has hit me even harder because I know that we are going back. The first day that we went we did not accomplish anything because the baby needed us. The second day we decided to leave him with my aunt, we got a lot done but I missed him so much!!! I just wanted to go pick him up so bad. When we got there I woke him up because I wanted to hold him and feed him. Today we took him with us and he slept the majority of the time. In these days I did realize the difference that it is for me compared to Abe. I think this transition back to work is going to be much easier for him because he has had other things going on these past few months with school, my time has been devoted to the baby and now I just have to leave him. I just don't know what I am going to do, I have never felt so lost before... ~Valarie

Gaining control

So our little Lucas is almost 3 1/2 months old and he is growing so fast. In the past couple of weeks his motor skills have really developed. He has learned to grab his foot and put things into his mouth. The other night we video taped him while he was having his tummy time and he was able to get his knees under his body and push forward. Lucas rolls over with no problem now, we have to be careful so he doesn't roll off of anything. He is sleeping longer stretches at night, but he still gets up one time. The one thing that I know we need to do is get him to bed earlier, he has been going to sleep at about 11:30 every night and that is going to be really hard once school starts.

So this weekend we went to Sheboygan for Elena and Angel's wedding. Abe and I went up on friday to just get away for a little while before we have to go back to work. It ended up being a lot of fun. Friday it was gloomy outside so we just hung around the hotel most of the day. On Saturday we had the wedding. Lucas was sooo cranky on Saturday, it made it really difficult to get ready. That day was the first time that I think I got overwhelmed with everything. I felt myself on edge and so was Abe. We were getting snippy with eachother, and I was even getting snippy with people at the wedding. Saturday was the first time that I got so frustrated with people telling me what to do with Lucas and trying to take him from me. I feel like I really try to let the baby go with who ever when we are at functions because I know that everyone wants to hold the baby, but Saturday I knew he was fussy and over tired and just wanted to get some rest. I felt myself trying to protect him, and the only way I knew to do this was to hold him myself. How do you balance, as a mom, encouraging your child to be social and go with anyone and putting your foot down when you feel that they should be with you? I still feel like I am going to need to learn more about this balance.

On Sunday we were all much better and had a great day at the Sheboygan lakefront, which is much better than milwaukee. It was gorgeous and it didn't stink and the dogs loved it.

Well, I'm going to have to continue learning how to create a balanced life for Lucas, while maintaining a balanced life for our whole family. ~Valarie

fun times!

This summer has been one of the best summers I have ever had! I got to spend time learning to be a mommy, learning about my son, and learning more about Abe. Abe and I talked before Lucas was born and we decided that once the baby was born we were going to try and go out and do more. I spent so much of my pregnancy being a hermit, I really didn't see much of anyone (not even my family). Now I feel like I have to make up for lost time, and I am excited to share the world with my little Lucas. I believe that Lucas is making Abe and I better people. I think I used to spend so much time focusing on what other people were doing, and now I just don't care, I just want to be better for Lucas.

Part of being a better person, for me, is to just get out more. This summer we have spent so much time out of the house, it has been great. We have gone to the lake, park, zoo, fairs, clubs, sporting events, my mom's, and my aunt's. I am loving just spending time with friends and family and creating a little group of people for Lucas to be around and count on. I hope that once Abe and I go back to work we are able to continue this type of life for our little family.

I'm excited to go to Sheboygan this weekend to explore the area and celebrate Angel and Elena's wedding!!! ~Valarie (I know I probably don't need to do this anymore b/c Abe doesn't write on here, but it is habit)

starting to move

Aaaa! The past few days when Abe and I have gone into Lucas' bedroom in the morning he is laying on his belly, and when we put him down at night he is on his back. We are starting to see signs that our little guy is going to be a very active boy...I can't wait!!! ~Valarie

Panic

Wow! This mommy thing is so hard. I went into this new role thinking I was going to be so tough, and that I wanted to be laid back and just go with the flow. I am finding that it is so much easier said than done. I feel like I have done a good job of being pretty open with what goes on with Lucas. I know that overall he is a very good baby, he has his moments that he is fussy but it is for a reason, so I know that he will be okay with almost anyone. I guess it helps that we have mainly been around people that I trust very much, and I know that they are only going to do what is best for Lucas. This past weekend was very hard though! It was my aunts bridal shower and bachelorette party. During the bridal shower I was okay, everyone was holding him and he was doing great just being with everyone. But as the day progressed I could feel myself going into panic mode. The thought that I would have to leave him was driving me nuts. Logically I know this was crazy because he was going to be with my mom! He sees my mom and Gordy almost everyday and loves being with them (they talk to him and make him so happy). Abe and I agreed to leave him there that night because that was the only place we felt comfortable leaving him, otherwise one of us would have stayed home. But in my heart I felt horrible leaving him =( When it was finally time to go I had such a melt down and started to cry and I just held him close and did not want to let go. I did end up letting go, and everything was fine, but I cried almost the whole car ride. I made sure to wake up early so I could see him right away. Now I think about having to leave my baby with a sitter and I just know I am going to be a mess the first few days!!! How do all you moms do it? I hope I have the strength! ~Valarie